Eben column: patriotism, not fascism

It is the modern world that does not understand the Croats. That is why they have to take care of themselves.

One uses the nail file, the other thinks the swastika is his cure. Photo: complize (photocase)

One makes his hands beautiful, the other makes them dirty. One takes care of himself, the other suffers from collective vitamin deficiency. One uses a nail file, the other thinks the swastika is his cure.

The swastika branded on the Split stadium turf is, of course, a bad thing for the Croats. But they certainly find Jogi Low’s nail file worse. The Croatians probably agree with the German coach that the manicure on the coach’s bench was not an expression of disrespect for the opponent. The Croats know what real contempt looks like: To this end, the youngest EU member uses spitting or greeting with the Hitler hand.

No, the nail file is worse, because in Croatia a man who files his nails is considered gay. A real man is only a real man if he tears off his protruding nails with his teeth.

Just because a few greasers distribute swastikas does not mean that swastikas are distributed throughout Croatia. When two Croats meet at a bus stop, they sing hymns to Tito. Everybody knows that.

Swastika and Hitler salute

The Croatian Football Association has already paid millions in fines to Uefa because its fans have shown themselves in swastika formation and with Hitler salutes in the stands. This proves nothing. Because Uefa is Platini and he said about the Croats that they have the ugliest fans. Besides, Uefa is Fifa, and they’d be better off cleaning out their own mess than telling the beleaguered Croats how green their tomatoes should be. Uefa is not the EU? No matter. All criminals, except Tudjman.

In Croatia, people want to see real, clean soccer. Just like in the German district leagues. Where Horst still stands next to Ivo and both make monkey noises when they see a black player.

It’s not the Croats who don’t understand the modern world. It is the modern world that does not understand the Croats. It is quite simple: since nobody cares about them, they have to take care of themselves. When Croatian soccer players sing fascist songs (Simunic), show fascist greetings (Mandzukic) or like fascist pop stars (Bilic) they don’t wish fascism back. They just want to be proud of their fatherland, because no one else is.

In this fatherland, bars are called "Cafe Adolf," and the Zionists’ secret world domination is considered responsible for 9/11 and Fukushima. This fatherland, which already geographically gives itself a wide berth, just as it does when it comes to coming to terms with its own history.

Dirty children

This fatherland also gives a wide berth to its own grubby children, who have not understood that we no longer say fascism, but patriotism.

The head of the Croatian Football Association doesn’t know what to do about the muckrakers. How about teaching them how to file their nails?